as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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