and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
