the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
