Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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