wanna go halves on a baby?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
