Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
