I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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