this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
