the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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