I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize