I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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