I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
