I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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