I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
