alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
