My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
