Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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