Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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