I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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