So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
as a side note pls kill me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
