so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
