I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
