I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize