After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
