look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
