True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
