respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize