We won't sleep together?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
