Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
