Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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