I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
