I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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