Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
