If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
