I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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