4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize