so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
