She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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