I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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