i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
