Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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