I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize