There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
