Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
