Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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