I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
