I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
