the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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