just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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