WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
