I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
