Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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