Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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