I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Duck Duck Cougar?
i think my mom watched the whole time
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
