my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
