Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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