made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
