I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
