I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
