did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
