Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
