lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
