Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's rum buckets o'clock
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
