hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
