Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I could make wine with my vomit
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
