Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
